The Inevitable Growth

Every phase of your life, you are somehow forced to grow. I'm sorry but that's how it is, that is what life really is about, GROWTH. Sometimes, just when you thought you finally got settled, it's time to pack up and move again.

This has been a lifelong farce for me.

I'm literally a modern version of a gypsy, though, I think more of myself as a hippie. Whatever it may be, it's the bohemian blood in me, I guess. We moved a lot when I was growing up. Maybe that's why my heart just won't easily settle at a particular place for a very long time. Somewhere in my subconscious mind, I may have this fear of settling. I have lived (and worked) from one city to another without much fear of what people would think of me. This is not the norm. I'm amazed by people who live and die at one place. Was it their choice? Probably. But that option is definitely not for me.

Moving. Even if it's not a new concept, has never been easy for me.

The mental (and physical) stress of it still exhausts me. Thinking about the things I have acquired and the thought of having to let them all go~ it's liberating and depressing somehow. The memories, at least they are all in my heart and mind. But the material things, what do I do with them? Maybe that's why wise people keep saying we shouldn't be attached to material things. They can literally be gone in a moment.

I am writing with a heavy heart right now. I literally feel like throwing up. I never thought I would do this again~ packing my suitcase and leave the town I've dreamed of for a VERY long time. I was living the dream. I was okay. However, one day, I just woke up and realized I may be living selfishly all this time.

I chose this life and I am happy with it. However, the thought of people living a miserable life when I know I can do something for them not to live that way is a bit shameful. I chose to ignore it for as long as I could, but, I got back to my senses and somehow realized that I shouldn't only be living for myself. It was fun, really. I wish I don't have moral obligations, but humans do, and I am somehow still human, so, I have to do it. Even if it means I have to give up everything I've ever wanted. The absolute freedom, an assload of time for myself, the job that I want, the perfect temperature, the privacy, the new friends I made, the kind strangers, the pines and strawberries, the calm mornings and peaceful evenings, the misty midnight walks that make me feel like I'm inside Thomas Kinkade's artwork - all of these would be gone. It would just be like a wonderful dream once I get on the bus and head back to the city.

I do not regret being brave enough to try to chase my dream and I am very grateful for the chance to live and work here in this town. However, if there's one thing I should have learned from this life, it is that nothing ever stays the same. Change is the only thing that is constant. The moment we feel comfortable and secured is best time for us to grow. It sucks, yeah! But, it's inevitable. But soon enough, you'll pretty much see why it has to happen. I doubt if you'll see it right now, but, one day, you'll look back to it and you will be able to say "Oh, that's why!".